Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
