i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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