If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
