When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
