dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
