I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
