a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
