i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
