My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
is wine microwaveable?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
