I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
