I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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