There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
