If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
