I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
sex in a hospital.. check
I am one with the molecules
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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