I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
