Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my liver is dry heaving
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
