If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just found puke in my bra..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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