okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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