Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize