he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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