i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You don't make any sense
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