my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
50% drunk capacity currently
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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