ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
