dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
