To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They have beer where we have blood.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
