respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
