Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
