the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
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