remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
