Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
