I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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