I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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