Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
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