She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
