Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
