At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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