i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
