Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
