My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
