I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my shit smells like andre
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize