Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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