Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
