handjob tips. give me some.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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