i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
