Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You're a waste of cheezeits
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
