If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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