Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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