it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
my liver is dry heaving
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
