i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
