I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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