watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
