There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
