Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
