i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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