I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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