Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Moan for me like Helen Keller
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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