in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
