Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
