so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
