I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
