Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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