one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
