remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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