Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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