I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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